Where's the Meat?

"I'll have the double 'Biggun' with the full show and a side of the cheesy 'Biggity' fries with bacon crumbs and sour cream. Oh, and a large sweet tea with no ice."

Turning ever so slightly to the menu above their head, the cashier smiled, showing a sparkling array of teeth and through these teeth said into the headset, "I'm sorry, but we no longer offer the 'Biggun' or the 'Biggity' fries or the 'sweet tea'. Would you like to try the 'Herbie' burger, garlic and herb 'Zucc' fries and a 'Fruitarian' smoothie blended with soy milk?"

"Um, what? No, I want a hamburger, loaded fries, and a large sweet tea. I'm looking at the menu right now and I see pictures of meat and potatoes. What's the problem?"

"I apologize for any misunderstanding, but we no longer serve... meat. Here at Big'n Burger we pride ourselves on food that isn't but looks like the real thing. Instead of the smoothie, would you like a cup of cucumber water to go with your order?"

"I'm not sure... What's the 'Herbie' burger if it's not beef? It looks like beef. I'm confused. Do the 'Zucc' fries come loaded with cheese and sour cream?"

"I'm sorry, they do not. The 'Zucc' fries are our own locally grown zucchini and can be ordered as is, sprinkled with pepper and sea salt, or baked with our in house garlic and herb coating. We're positive you'll never miss... potatoes."

"And the 'Herbie' burger?"

"Our delicious 'Herbie' burger is made from the best plant-derived products grown in labs today. I promise you won't believe you're not eating... meat. It tastes exactly like the real thing, even better. Can I put that in for you?"

*HONK!*

"I don't... Maybe I'll just have a garden salad with a creamy dressing."

"I'm sorry, we don't have... salads... or... creamy dressing."

*HONK-HONK!*

"I just want a hamburger and fries goddammit!"

"Thank you, I have your order as one 'Herbie' burger, 'Zucc' fries as is, and a small cup of cucumber water. Is this correct?"

"I guess so..."

"Okay, that will be forty-five dollars and sixty-five cents. Please pull around to the second window."

"......."

*HONK! HONK! HONK!*