Contractual Privilege

"How do you intend to market your book?" the voice was dry and raspy with intones of a heavy smoker. "I trust you thought about it before now because that would streamline the whole process moving forward."

Without hesitation, the author responded, "Oh, you know, the usual meet and greet, guest speaker on the local radio station, fliers at church, etc. My local library will allow me to host a speaking event in one of their meeting rooms and will advertise it in their mailer. Something they don't offer self-published authors."

"Non-paying, huh... interesting choices. Any other ideas on how you're going to market yourself?"

"Well, since I have a publisher, I assumed I'd have help with that."

"Which contract did you sign?"

"Is this a trick question, I wasn't aware there was a choice. I signed the standard contract that's offered to debut authors."

"There's always a choice."

"Well, I must be missing something considering I wasn't aware of another contract option," there was silence on the other end of the line, "Hello?"

"There are actually two types of contracts, are you interested in the alternative, and in my opinion, the superior option? I can have it arranged for you to sign, post haste."

"I don't sign anything until after I've had a chance to read it and have my lawyer read it, too. If this contract is superior, why wasn't it offered to me in the first place?"

"Oh, it's just your standard run-of-the-mill contract, that is, except..."

"Except what?"

"The only difference between this contract and the one you signed is a simple promise you have to make, and once you do that, we promise you (an ominous pause), or rather we guarantee you, a successful career with all the perks and boons thereof."

"I'm not sure what you mean by 'promise', do you mean like my first-born son?" The author said in an off-hand joke.

"Nothing so prosaic, I assure you, but without going into too many details in lieu of signing, all I can say is it is more of a blood oath."

"I hope you mean that metaphorically and not literally, right," the author chuckled, but the silence on the other end of the line lengthened, "Right?"

"Let's just say, if you sign the second contract the first will be null and void, and we can take the Autobahn instead of Route 66."

"You can do that?"

"Anything is possible when you have the proper representation."

"I don't know..."

"Ultimately, it's your choice, but why slog uphill when you can take a shortcut? I can draw the contract up tonight, and have it faxed to you by eleven fifty-nine. Sign on the dotted line before the clock ticks past midnight, and it's as good as binding."

"I'm not sure, I feel like it's too good to be true."

"It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity."

"Then why such a hard sell? You can't blame me for wanting to read the fine print."

"Look, forget I mentioned it. You don't seem willing, and you're either in or you're not. We'll continue to move forward with the status quo. I can't guarantee we'll talk in the future, but my associate downtown will handle all your affairs from now on. Good Luck."

"Wait!"

"Yes?"

"Are you sure I'll be put on the fast track?"

"It's in the contract."

"Where do I sign."

"On the dotted line, and if you wait till midnight, we'll deliver the papers personally with a complimentary finger stick."

End