Catawampus Saint Grumpus

"Ma! Gramp's won't stop snoring."

"Hester, for the umpteenth time, turn off the lights and go to sleep."

"I can't, Gramp's is snoring."

The mattress dipped as Hester's mom sat at the foot of the bed, her hands clasped together in her lap, twiddling her wedding ring, "Hester, sweetie, Gramp's is not snoring, he's

dead. We went to his funeral last week. Remember?" Reaching over, Hester's mom bopped the end of Hester's teddy bear with her finger and smiled. "Grandma made you this stuffie from Grandpa's favorite sweater, you know, the one you said smelled like him."

"He's snoring."

"Hester, enough. Your imagination is too much. When Saint Grumpus traveled across the rainbow bridge, you said he was keeping you up at night with his loud meows. And, when we had to flush Goldy down the toilet, you said you saw bubbles every time you had to do your business. I'm tired of it. Ms. Ida is not peeping through your window curtains, and Little Frankie Jr. is not hiding under your bed. They're dead. All of them. Dead. So stop this nonsense. Good-night."

Hester watched the door to her bedroom snap shut after her mother left. Huddled in the dark with the covers up to her nose, Hester listened to the deep grumbling wheeze of her Teddy Bear. In the corner, eyes glowing, sat Saint Grumpus a Siamese cat.